Check out Fedor… The guy is a beast! About 3:06- the action gets good…
I know we still have almost a week to go before the big UFC fight, but I’m going to say right here, right now (Sammy Hagar scream)… BJ Penn will beat George St. Pierre’s ass, again. He’s already did it once before and was robbed. But next weekend, he’ll have his way and win the UFC Welterweight Championship. I watched the UFC special on Spike TV last night, and BJ Penn looks and sounds ready. He said, “George, tapped out against Sierra. He was tapping as he was getting punch. Who taps from strikes? I wouldn’t tap like a bitch.”
“The Prodigy” won’t knock St. Pierre out, but he will pound on him for 5 rounds and win a unanimous decision. Anyone want to bet me some money?
Although I’m not a big fan of George St. Pierre, here are some George’s that I do dig….
My girlfriend told me today that we might have to go to a club in San Jose this weekend for her friends birthday. Being a smart-ass, I was like “Is Pacman Jones going to be there?” She replied, “Babe, this is a club. They don’t have video games.”
I was watching the Sharks vs Lightning hockey game alone in my bedroom tonight. I am being froogle with my money this month so there’s no way in hell that I was turning the heater on. So as I watched the game, my room was probably at about 34 C – pretty similar to the temperature of a typical hockey rink. I was capturing the aura of the hockey game and felt like I was there on the ice with the Shark and Lightning. It’s funny because sometimes when I’m watching games alone, I like to imagine what it would be like to be in the game. I think every guy who is a sports fan has done that, right? I find myself thinking stupid shit like- “If I was covering Kobe, he wouldn’t have driven past me like that… I would have tripped his ass.” or “Man, if I was kicking this field goal, I’d shit my pants.” or “Why the fuck is De la Hoya not fighting back? Just punch this god damn Filipino in the face like this!” (throwing a quick combo in the air) But then I am smart enough to realize that right now if 33 year old Daniel Ureste was to, for example, be playing for Golden State Warriors as part of an “NBA Let’s a Fan Play in One Game” sweepstakes, I know that I would be struggling to breathe after 2 trips up and down the court.
But it got me thinking…What could I possibly do in some of my favorite sports at my current age and ability?
Here’s my list:
NBA- If a team needed an “Inbound specialist”, I could probably do that. At the end of crucial games, the team throws me in to make sure that the ball gets to the right player. Or, I could be a “Pick Specialist”- just constantly running around the court setting picks.
MLB- I could definitely be a pinch runner. Although my high school baseball coach would probably beg to differ. When I was a junior, I was riding the bench the whole season. We already had a stud second baseman who was a senior and plus there was 2 other juniors that were supposedly better than me. Plus, if needed, we had a back up 3rd baseman that was better than me and could be play 2nd if needed….Whatever. Anyway, right before the last game of the season, I got a hot girlfriend named Lori Loop. Well, she was at the last game of the season watching in the stands. So when my coach decided to let me play and put me in as a pinch runner, I was pretty stoked. As I was leading off, I looked into the stands to see if Lori was paying attention to the fact that I was in the game. Right at that moment, the pitcher threw the ball to the first baseman and without even a slide back, they picked me off. My coach was livid. “What they hell were you looking at Ureste? This is the reason why I don’t ever play you…” Ok calm down, dick. We were already up by 10 runs.
NFL- That’s easy. Placeholder for the field goal kicker. I know I’d be better than Tony Romo..That’s for sure.
WNBA- The fuckin MVP of the league.. Just sayin.
NASCAR- I’m a pretty good driver. I’m sure I would be able to drive in a race. Sponsored by Pizza Plus, of course. I’ve never been in an accident (Knock on wood).. Only 1 moving violation ticket (No seat belt). Check this out. So I get pulled over because my registration expired and I hadn’t put the new sticker on. He tells me that he will let me go. But then he’s like “Mr. Ureste, were you wearing your seatbelt.” I was this close to lying and saying “Yeah of course, officer.” But I told the truth and played dumb. I was like “Um… I can’t remember… I feel like I was..” He looks down and is like “I dont’ think you were because your seatbelt is hanging out the bottom of your door..”…hahahahhahaa. But yeah, and my only other violation was a DUI once… But come on. What NASCAR driver doesn’t drink and drive.
Boxing and UFC… I weight about 190 pounds.. I’d be fighting fighters like Roy Jones, Jr. James Toney, Anderson Silva, Dan Henderson, Rich Franklin… I don’t think so. Actually, I could probably take out James Toney.
NHL- Another one where I wouldn’t stand a chance. I don’t know how to skate. Unless a team needed someone who could stand by the outside rail and only shoot shots from that location. (With one hand of course…I’m not letting go of that rail.) Or maybe “a pinch fighter”- When a player gets into a fight with another player but doesn’t really feel like fighting, the coach will send me in. My teammate will fill me in with all the details (Why he’s angry..How he would like for me to start swinging..Names I should be screaming at him as I fight, etc) and then I’d proceed with the fight.
WWE Wrestling- I’ve already been 3 time Ureste Family Wrestling Heavyweight Champion..and I was only 10 at the time. Been there, done that. No need to live in the past.
PGA Tour- Caddie, for sure. I suck at Golf. But I’ve played enought Tiger Woods Golf on Playstation to correct anyone’s swing or choose the correct club. “Um, Tiger… Yeah, you are going to want to lighten up on the joystick a bit and keep the “A” button pressed down longer for this shot.”
So if you need me, please send an email to firstname.lastname@example.org or contact my agent. In the meantime, I’ll continue to defend my PMACO Beer Pong Championship that I currently own with Tom and Steve. Anytime, someone wants to challenge us…Bring it, baby!
When I last left you, things were looking great for Alex, Ray, and I. We were pretty drunk and a bunch of hot girls started to show up at the bar….Let’s continue…
12:35 PM – Girls show up at the bar. One of them is clearly with her boyfriend, but continues to stare at Ray for some reason. Not like in a flirty way, but in more of a awkward, I have nothing else to stare at so Im going to stare at you- way. Ray becomes uncomfortable and can’t look anymore in that direction. It’s tough because the TV is in that direction.
1:00 PM- 5 beers into our drinking session and we all realize that it would have been way cheaper if we would have ordered pitchers of beer instead of by the pint. We all agree that it’s too late now because we are not going to drink much more so it would be a waste.
1:10 PM- We order 2 pitchers of beer.
1:15 PM- The girl who is staring at Ray leaves. Ray can now watch the game in comfort.
1:30 PM- Kick off to the game and Katie decides to hang out with us for a bit and chat with us. Because we are all pretty drunk now, we all feel like she’s hanging with us because we are obviously the coolest looking guys in the bar. In reality, Katie realizes now that we are going to be at this table for a while so she is going to need to get a big tip from us. So she starts to work her magic. We have a long conversation with her about what it’s like to work at BJ’s and in the restaurant industry. Katie gives us her story about working and going to school at the same time and the struggles she is encountering. I suggest that she becomes my girlfriend and she will be taken care of. Of course I say this all in my head, but somehow I think she heard me. She gives me weird look like “Are you saying stuff to me in your head?” I become self conscience and focus on drinking my beer.
1:45 PM- My ex-girlfriend’s best friend shows up to the bar. I pretend that I don’t see her. She is sitting with a friend at a table. This table is on the way to the bathroom. I decide to go the other way and walk around the entire restaurant just so I don’t have to cross her path and talk to her. I almost piss my pants because it’s such a long walk.
2:00 PM- The game is pretty boring. The score is still 3-0 Eagles.
2:30 PM- Ray notices that there is a guy who is sitting at a table behind us that is completely wasted. He is rocking his head back and forth and has no control over his arms. They are flailing around in the air, like he is trying to start a wave. Turns out the guys is not drunk but handicap and mentally challenged. We stop laughing at him.
2:45 PM- Peterson rushes for a TD to bring the Vikings within 2 points. Ray, Alex, and I go nuts! Everyone looks around. We are the only ones cheering. It’s awkward.
3:00 PM We are hungry again so we decide to order a pizza…And another pitcher. We have now consumed 2 of our 3 daily meals here. Our bill is going to be outrageous.
3:30 PM- Katie comes to our table and starts to chat with us again. Man, she is good. I’m already thinking about adding an extra $5 onto my tip.
3:35 PM- Alex awkwardly asks Katie if she has a boyfriend. She doesn’t. Alex then says to her, “If the Vikings make this 1st down on this next play, you’ll have to go on a date with me.” Alex is smart. It’s 3rd and inches….. Adrian Peterson is stuffed for a 3 yard loss.
3:50 PM- We are talking about how hot Katie is and what she may be like in bed… Katie is like David Blaine and surprises us and appears out of nowhere. “We’re you guys just talking about me?” she asks… This is way awkward.
4:00 PM- McNabb throws a 71 TD pass to Westbrook to clinch the Eagles win. Ray is pissed. We decide to pay and get the hell out this place.
4:15 PM- Our bill is delivered. Jesus! $150. Almost all of that is beer.
4: 30 PM- All 3 of us get up and stagger out of the bar. We each had about 9 pints of beers. That’s a lot for a work night. As we are walking out, I’m already thinking about calling out sick for work tomorrow. In my head, I create a voice message that I’m going to leave for my boss. Then, I realize that I’m not talking in my head but out loud to myself. A girl and her boyfriend (wearing a Dodgers jersey) who are waiting to be seated give me an odd look. I’m not crazy! Fuck the Dodgers!… And then Mr. Penguin decides to show up. Hello Mr. Penguin….
I went down to BJ’s Brewhouse in Modesto on Sunday with my buddy Ray and brother Alex to catch the Viking-Eagles playoff game. The game didn’t start until 1:30 pm, but Ray, being a huge Vikings fan, wanted to get there early to beat the usual game day crowd. We failed to recognize that the Baltimore Ravens and Miami Dolphins were the early game and no one in Modesto could give a shit about either one of those teams. Hence, we were the only people in the bar. So we planted ourselves at one of the tables right in front of the giant screen.
Our waitress was this hot, blonde chick named Katie.
Here’s a chronology of how our day transpired:
11:30 AM- We are seated and our waitress uses her “nice personality” to immediately sucker us into trying out their seasonal Belgian-Style Pale Strong Ale. It’s called the Annual Grand Cru. It’s more like the Annual Grand Rod Carew’s ball sweat. Imagine if Rod Carew took his tighty-whitey underwear after every 1984 Angels game and wrung out the sweat into a bucket. Then, they threw some yeast into that bucket and fermented that shit for 25 years. Then they decided to keg that beer and serve it at BJ’s on tap. That’s what we got a pint of.
11:35 AM- All 3 of us cringe as we take our first sips.
11:45 AM- Katie comes by and asks us how we like the beer. All of us are pathetic pussies, so we all smile and tell her that it’s pretty good. She replies, “I know! It’s one of my favorites.” Katie must like ball sweat. Which is a plus in my book and I’m even more attracted to her now. All of our smiles quickly drop as she walks away. This is the worst tasting beer ever. I’ve had- warm, morning-after a keg party, someone accidentally ashed their cigarette in- beer that tasted better than this.
11:50 AM- Katie comes back and see’s that our pints are empty. She has no idea the struggle and torture that we underwent trying to down this fuckin beer. But at $6 a pint, we weren’t going to let it go to waste. She says “I’ll get all you guys another one, ok?” We all finally man up and tell her that we want to try a different beer. I order a Nutty Brunette. It’s an American style brown ale.
11:55 AM- The Nutty Brunette is delivered. My god this is a damn good beer! This is like every nutty brunette that I have ever had. Goes down smooth and without a fuss and worth every dollar that I spend on them.
12:00 PM- Ray orders the Pirana Ale Super Nachos. Alex goes Italian on us and orders the Bruschetta. I am being cheap and an alcoholic as always, so I just order another Nutty Brunette.
12:15 PM- Another Nutty Brunette is served with our food. Ok so here’s the description of the Piranha Ale Super Nachos from the BJ’s menu- “Crisp corn tortilla chips over chili made with Piranha Pale AleTM and topped with jack and cheddar cheeses, diced tomatoes, green onions, sliced olives and sour cream. ” Here’s what we actually got “A crapload of Crisp Corn Tortilla chips with a dab of Piranha Chili and cheese on only a handful of chips, leaving you with basically a plate of Crisp Corn Tortilla chips.” Katie is hot so Ray doesn’t complain. We just order more beer.
12:30 PM- All 3 of us are already buzzing pretty hard and we still have an hour to go until kickoff. A bunch of hot chicks start to show up to the bar. Things look like they are about to pick up.